Fear And Loathing

Yesterday I went on my weekly visit to see my mother in the physical rehabilitation center. On the elevator trip to the fourth floor my father complained he felt dizzy; as we left the elevator, he collapsed. I tried to hold him up, but I was holding onto my laptop and my mother's weekly order of coffee and two Boston Creme donuts. As we later discovered, his blood sugar was 84 and had dipped in the elevator. I thought his fall would be the worst thing that happened. It wasn't.

I actually stood frozen as members of the rehab center's medical team helped him to a chair, secretly grateful the incident had happened so close to a hospital instead of out in a parking lot somewhere (which has happened.) Memories of my father's collapse in December, followed by a diagnosis of brain cancer, came flooding back in horrific detail. Tears started flowing immediately thereafter, and I found a lot of the nurses asking me if I was all right.

The truth was, I hated myself for reacting the way I did. Not just chagrined, and it went way beyond embarrassed. I hated myself for letting my father see how strongly my fear of his condition runs. There's precious little else in this world that will reduce me to a quivering, unintelligible mass of tears in an instant other than the death (or threat therein) of someone close to me. I suppose I never really got used to the idea because I didn't lose anyone in my life until I was a teenager, but since then it's been far more frequent.

All my life I've been the "strong, silent type". I guess I have a sort of easily approachable personality that lets my friends and family know I care about their problems, and I'm always willing to listen and/or help where I can. After all, humanity is a rough road, and when that journey is shared with others, the inherent pains associated with the human condition are lessened considerably.

But when it comes to my problems, some part of me feels like I don't have the right to let anything show. No, I don't know why, and for 26 years it hasn't been an issue. But in the course of two years I've been repeatedly confronted by horrors and deep-rooted fears I had never before considered or given a second glance to, and because of my own Goddamn pride/fear/hatred/whatever, I can't even talk to anyone about it. Not "I don't want to", "I have trouble with it", I am physically incapable of letting the people in my life see any type of pain without immediately hating myself for it. Where did that come from?

Truth be told, I did speak to a friend last night--but not about what had happened earlier. Still, just the act of speaking with a friend about anything--not necessarily problem related--helped me more than I think he'll ever know. I was grateful for this nod to the normalcy that seems to be lacking in my life at the moment.

I used to think I would come out the other side of turning points in my life largely unaffected, unscathed. Now I'm beginning to see that, even if I do come out the other side of this ever-lengthening tunnel, I won't by any means be unscathed.

I bet a psychiatrist would just have a field day with me...or quit their practice.

Kinder, Friendlier Torture

On July 20, 2007, President Bush signed an order barring "extreme" forms of torture when interrogating terror suspects. Of course, in stating what would no longer be allowed (exposure, "waterboarding", sexual abuse), he didn't nail down exactly what forms were allowed, leaving that door wide open to numerous possibilites--limited only by the imagination. And as history has proven, when it comes to sadism, some people can be quite creative.

To further drive home this point, the GOP bill specifically states that the president can "interpret the meaning and application" of the Geneva Convention detailing less severe forms of torture.

I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the fact the Bush administration thinks this kind of secretive, platitude-laced action is "normal", or the fact there isn't more of an outcry from the public over it. Which issue should be addressed first: that our President thinks nothing of keeping us in the dark over an issue that should be of nation-wide concern, or that he barred some forms of extreme torture while closing his eyes to the all-too-possible introduction of other, equally extreme measures?

Not to mention many of the detainees still haven't received a trial, having been told they'll die in Guantanamo before ever receiving one. The fact they aren't American citizens should have no bearing on attempts to find the truth. Isn't that what trials are for?

When exactly did this country lose its sense of decency? Are they afraid to tell us what they're doing for fear of humanitarian groups crying out? Maybe that's because they shouldn't be doing it. Understandably, the subject of terrorism will stir some strong emotions in all of us, and I'm no exception. There is, admittedly, a part of me who would like nothing more than to see terrorists suffer horribly for their crimes, and I have no warm feelings for the men currently being detained at Abu Ghraib. But that's just why we need to avoid such cruelty. Repaying like for like has started wars in the past, and humanity hasn't progressed much since.

Some of Bush's critics have compared his administration to that of the paranoia-infused Nixon era. Between the wiretapping scandal, secretive staff firings and now this textual monument to double-talk, I'm beginning to see their point.

Why Anime Should Never Go Live

I've been watching a number of videos on YouTube involving the live-action version of Sailor Moon. Here's an example.

.....May I take this opportunity to ask why anyone in their right mind would want to translate anime into live action? It doesn't work, folks. There's a reason it's animated--it isn't supposed to happen in real life. Granted, this clip is from a children's show, but SciFi has been bouncing the idea around to create a live-action show based on the oh-so-not-children's show Witch Hunter Robin.

Please, TV producers, for the love of anime and all that is decent in this world, leave animated series where they belong.

What Not To Do When Writing A Screenplay

Ken Levine (writer/producer for several famous sitcoms) had his daughter Annie give a few tips about what not to do with your script if you ever want it to see daylight. It's great advice, especially in a field where having the wrong format alone can kill your chances. I would just add one thing to the list: the maximum length of your script depends on the venue. Taking into account the generally accepted formula that one page equals one minute, 115-120 pages is fine for a screenplay, while a full-length stage play is better off at 90. A one-act should be half that.

Yes, I realize Annie Levine's post is discussing screenplays only, but I thought that point might need clarification since some folks might not make the distinction.

Harry Potter Theme Park

Universal Studios recently released plans for a new Harry Potter theme park. A literal Hogwarts for people to explore to their heart's content, giving poor Muggles a glimpse into the fascinating and dangerous world of the boy wizard...for a nominal fee, of course.

Is anyone else a little freaked out by the prospect? Not even Star Trek got this kind of treatment (the Star Trek Experience in Las Vegas notwithstanding.) Harry Potter has taken the world by storm and spawned innumerable knockoffs in the book and movie worlds, with everyone hoping to cash in on the hype. Is Harry Potter a fad for the early 21st century, or--as Universal Studios is banking on--is it here to stay?

I'm still betting Harry gets killed off in the end--but that could be from watching too much anime, where characters usually die by the last episode. (Sometimes twice.)

The Glass House

Someone pointed me in the direction of a movie being (legally) housed online. It's called "The Glass House", based on a book by Truman Capote. Starring Vic Morrow, Alan Alda, Billy Dee Williams and Clu Gulager, it was made in 1972 at the Utah State Prison. (I remember Alda saying in an interview he was actually held hostage there for a time during filming, but I can't find any information on it.)

It isn't by any means a "happy" film, and is actually quite dark and gritty for its time. There's violence, implied rape and a suicide, so it's not one for the kiddies, but even today it's considered to be one of the most realistic film depictions of prison life.

Alda plays a mild-mannered political science professor convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to a year in jail; at the same time, a new guard (Gulager) is being shown the ropes. They both receive a baptism by fire into the dark world of prison life, administered by the resident bully (Morrow).

Without ruining it for you, all I can say is this is the first movie in years that kept me in suspense up until the last possible second. I was actually gripping the laptop in front of me; I don't ever remember a reaction like that with any of the more modern, multi-million-dollar special-effects films today. The climax alone in the last ten minutes was worth seeing the whole movie for.

As someone who isn't a fan of prison movies, this movie still impressed me enough to purchase a higher-quality copy from Amazon.com. If you'd like to see it online, just click the link I gave above and watch it on the right-hand side of your screen. It's in four 20-minute segments, so when the first one finishes just scroll through the options beneath that window to find the next one.

Play Time

I was speaking with a friend of mine last night--a Stanford student who was lucky enough to land an internship at Google. (We're talking brilliant--this kid thinks up math games just for fun.) We got to talking, and I mentioned how I was working on a new stage play. As it turns out, he has some friends in the theatrical field at Stanford whom he might be able to pass my scripts along to.

It's not often I get such a generous offer from someone, so of course I let him know I was interested. Especially Stanford, the university that's first on my list for med school! As with all offers of exposure I'm well aware it may not go anywhere, but at least I'll have pursued it.

Now I just have to get my you-know-what in gear and polish off the rest of my script before that offer evaporates.

Life, Liberty And Justice For Some

A writer on Associated Content published an article detailing the last words of several Texas inmates who were executed this year. Ironically, I stumbled across the article on the front page of Associated Content literally right after visiting the website for Death Penalty Focus.

I actually used to be for the death penalty. Not exactly a gung-ho supporter, mind you, but I just couldn't see any alternatives in some cases. I even took an entire class in college devoted to discussion of the death penalty; we ended up bitterly divided over the situation by the end, and the professor remarked he'd never seen such a passionate, stubborn group of students before on both sides.

Since that time, I've learned quite a bit about the death penalty: its history, the controversy, and all the problems inherent with a system run by imperfect people that--by necessity--has to be perfect. Where does that leave the wrongly convicted, of whom the numbers (thanks to recent advancements in DNA-related technology) are growing every day? What about the ratio of poor criminals executed to their richer counterparts, who can afford better counsel--and consequently avoid the same outcome?

Maybe there isn't a true "alternative" to the death penalty, but this isn't the answer, either. If there was a fair, balanced, perfect system in place, attitudes surrounding the practice might be different. But because it isn't a perfect system (and obviously never will be), what's the point in enforcing it intermittently, with drastically different outcomes for criminals with similar convictions--not to mention those wrongly convicted?

The US is one of only a handful of countries who still practice legally sanctioned executions. Maybe it's time to change that.

Fullmetal Alchemist On Crack

I was browsing YouTube clips last night and came across this video. Now, I'm not sure what was going through the author's mind at the time, but it seems apparent someone had a little too much beer with their pizza.

Without further ado, I present to you this moment of "Wha...?"

Medical Opinion

There, it's done. My new blog will deal directly with medical issues so I can concentrate more on the other things in my life here. Check out the link on the right side of this page,or just click here. Enjoy.

Branching Off

I'm starting to notice a distinct difference between my personal posts (like this one) and my medical posts. Look for a new blog in the near future, featuring my medical-related posts; this one will be more devoted to my personal ramblings. Aren't you lucky?

In other news, my new Screenwriter's Bible from Dave Trottier recently arrived in the mail. I had read the book from cover to cover at a bookstore a while back, but didn't actually get a copy of my own until I knew I was in a position make good use of it. Now (I think) I have a solid concept for my script, and need its format guidelines to make the pages neat and pretty.

Now, to buckle down and get the plot treatment done...