Burning Down

I just uploaded the ninth of twelve chapters in my new fanfic. Although the story itself sprang to mind after watching that YouTube video I mentioned before, this chapter was fueled almost entirely by the song "Whisper" by Evanescence (lyrics found here; the song can be heard on this Fullmetal video on YouTube.) If you hear it, you'll figure out why it worked so well.

It was, without a doubt, the hardest chapter of any fanfic I've ever written. I found myself poring over it, changing it over and over until my head hurt--which, when it comes to fanfic, is very odd for me. Up to the second I clicked "upload", I almost decided to let the story go unfinished. Not for any sadistic reason, mind you; I know there are a few interested readers out there and felt terrible about letting them down. It was more out of an unexplainable, vague uneasiness I couldn't understand. Fear of rejection, sure--but I always have that. This was something more, and I think I've finally figured out what it is.

Many years ago my playwriting professor lamented that, although I can write a great story, when it comes to infusing the characters with passion I put up a wall between myself and the audience (and not the good kind of wall.) It's a defense mechanism that I, apparently, am not always aware of. I tend to think (even when I don't realize it) that the audience is looking past the characters and judging the writer.

Usually, it's a little different with fanfic where I'm concerned. The characters have already been established in the reader's mind, so I can focus on the plot instead of worry about what the audience will be thinking when I have the character act a certain way. That may be why I have a good grasp of personalities when I write: I'm always fully conscious of what the character is feeling at any given time, even when they're not in the spotlight. The difference is, with stage/screenplays I'm hesitant to let the audience see those feelings for fear of being judged through the characters feeling them. How's that for screwed up? I think there was a line on Grey's Anatomy that explains it perfectly: "scary and damaged".

This chapter brought out some extreme emotions in the characters, which explains the issues I had in writing it. In a way, I consider it a type of breakthrough on my journey to becoming a better writer. I've discovered what my problem is and when it surfaces; now I just need to figure out how to work through it.